Wild Clover means Creative Expertise. CS Sherin’s online polestar providing inspirational services for you since 2015. Based in the Driftless area of western Wisconsin, serving you wherever you may be — online and remote. Read more Welcome!
I am being featured on a great travel writing website today, the Rollerbag Goddess! The Rollerbag Goddess gave me some interesting interview questions — it was quite fun. It’s a good read for your Friday. Please do head over there and give it some love: “Featured RBG: Chandra Sherin…“
Our Family House Elf — Who Happens To Be Disguised As A Dog
C.S. Sherin, posted and updated October 3, 2019
This story will conclude this short series (part one, part two) about some of the dogs of my life and heart. The funny thing about this conclusion is that our current dog’s story hasn’t ended, thankfully, and sometimes we are not sure if she really is a dog…
Right after Miss Honey died was a rare instance, where we felt the need to adopt a dog pretty much right away. In most cases the best approach is to give one’s self and family plenty of time to process and grieve before taking on the responsibility of introducing and caring for a new family member. Yet, there are exceptions….there are times when waiting isn’t for the best. I have learned to trust my instincts in any number of ways, and this was one of those times — I was getting a gut feeling to begin looking, a week or more after Miss Honey had passed on. Part of this had to do with honoring Miss Honey. We had rescued her from the county shelter, an adult dog with behavioral and health issues, who enriched our lives forever. Christmas time was approaching, and we wanted to go to the same no-kill county shelter to see if there was a dog there that we could rescue — in her memory.
I looked online and found a picture of a dog with eyes like universes. Her name was Sammy. On December 23rd of 2013, with my daughter, I drove up to the county shelter to visit her. We had no expectation of adopting her that day, as it was Christmas time, and there are certain restrictions and requirements for adoption usually. So, we went only to see if we clicked with her. If we did, then we would consider filling out an application for adoption, if possible.
The shelter had been given some love via donations since we had last been there in 2005. It was a lot nicer in the shelter, but it was still cement kennels for the dogs — pretty standard. The two women working there were eager to show us Sammy. But first, they wanted to tell me her story:
Samantha had been among just over 40 dogs that were rescued from a serious hoarding situation. The dogs were being kept in an unheated shed in the winter. One of the older female dogs had somehow gotten out, found a couple walking in the neighborhood, and had led them to the shed, where the couple found all the dogs. All those poor dogs were neglected and had never been socialized. The county rescue handled the situation, and it took them a long time to process all the dogs. Samantha was one of the younger ones. The older ones were in rough shape with strange behaviors. The younger ones had more of a chance to recover and bounce back. They found that Samantha, though young, had lost enamel on many of her teeth from being kept in a kennel. Once Samantha made it to the shelter, one of the volunteers fell in love with her and adopted her. The volunteer lived on a farm of sorts where Samantha was socialized and remained very close to the woman — going everywhere with her. Samantha learned to get along with horses and chickens as well as other dogs and cats. Two weeks before we got to the shelter, the woman who had adopted Samantha surrendered her to the shelter. This was because of a divorce, change of residence and job, and the inability to be home with Samantha.
After telling me Sammy’s story, the shelter worker let me walk back through the kennels to where Sammy was. I was surprised to see an enormous dog bed pillow in her kennel. She looked depressed, but lit up when she realized that we would let her out with us into the main room. She was wearing a beautifully knit rust-colored sweater that hung on her skinny frame. As we sat down in the lobby with her she stayed close to us at all times, moving back and forth and all around to get pets. Those two weeks in the shelter had left her in the aftermath of abandonment, and the trauma of being in a kennel. She was thin, but generally healthy, bright, and so pretty! Her eyes are a mixture of white, blue and brown, and are absolutely filled with beauty.
All in all, we clicked. I told the shelter workers that I would like to apply to adopt. They were very happy about this…for Sammy and all involved. They went through the paperwork with me, and then they began checking on it to move forward while we were still there visiting. After a while they surprised us very much by saying that everything checked out, and that we “can take her home today!” I exclaimed that, “I didn’t expect this right before Christmas at all!” They explained and agreed that things don’t usually happen this fast, but that it did this time and that — it is meant to be! We were dumbstruck, and so thrilled to be taking Sammy home with us for our first Christmas in our new house (we had moved that past summer in 2013). Jeff was surprised, but quite happy. He had welcomed dogs back into his heart, this one included.
Now this is where we started to realize that Sammy wasn’t a usual type of dog. Before we left with Sammy, the shelter worker said that they would help us load up Sammy into the car. I was a little confused about that. What they meant was that — they would bring out all of her belongings! Samantha came with a bag of clothes, a bag of toys, and a dog bed that was big enough for a very large dog. Sammy is a petite medium-sized dog. Miss Honey was a medium-sized dog, but larger than Sammy is. It was wild seeing all the things packed in with her…all the love her former person left with her, we could tell.
She came home with us, bearing much pain and grief from loss, abandonment, high expectations for companionship, and dysfunction and suffering from her origins. We embraced Sammy with compassion and joy, deepened by our own grief, along with the wish to bring goodness to her and our family — at a time of year that can be challenging for many of us anyway.
How Samantha responded to being in a household that includes three cats: The moment she set paws in our house, the cats wanted to inspect her. She laid down on her back by Boris to let him, and all of them, know that she would not only respect them, but would be submissive to them, as needed. This was an incredible gesture — so smart! The cats approved. She forged friendships of various sorts with all the cats.
And, she went on to tune in to us, and as she did, she went out of her way to be a clown and to make us laugh. That is what I most remember, is that we were laughing all the time. And I remember being aware that she was facilitating a lovely way for us to process our grief (and perhaps her own), with play and laughter. What we discovered is that Sammy is a comedian and healer. She is the most funny and odd dog that we have ever known. She is also the prettiest!
That first Christmas she met my mother and my siblings. Everyone lit up when they met her — and people still do. There is just something about her energy and beauty, combined with her eyes, that is uplifting. The one thing that everyone also did was to feed her. She had all but starved herself at the shelter — so we made sure that she was getting the nutrition she needed to be well. It turned out that she had some really strange eating habits. She didn’t want to eat if we weren’t by her. And, she would take scoops of food in her mouth and carry it near to wherever we would happen to be in the house, to eat it. It took at least three years to get her to stop moving her food (she does it very rarely now), and to sit in one place to eat it.
Like most dogs, Sammy adores toys. Back then, even with the belongings she had with her, she felt like she needed more. So, in the first two years of her life with us, she would sometimes steal. If one of us would come in the front door in the winter, she would steal one of our gloves or a hat as we were taking it off. She would grab it and run off with it…and if we ran after her, all the better. That kind of stealing was harmless and pretty funny. Later in life now, she simply grabs one of the toys from her big basket of toys to celebrate someone coming home for the day. She doesn’t seem to need to steal hats, gloves, socks, or paper anymore.
She did also make tiny ventures into more serious attempts of stealing a few times. One time, my niece came to visit, and had a little stuffed animal in her purse for some reason. Samantha was not above sticking her nose into a purse to claim the stuffed animal as her own. We stopped her, but also had to put the purse up and away from her. Samantha wasn’t above stealing a stuffed animal from Samara’s room either. Samara is past the age of having a bunch, but there was one small bunny I had given her back in 2013, and, well…Samantha has that in her basket now.
Sammy also took on some of the mannerisms of the horse she knew at her former home, we think. She snorts like a horse quite often, for instance. She also seems to have fond memories of chickens and chicken eggs, judging by her responses to each of these at different times through the years.
Although she is quite different from our Miss Honey, Samantha is the perfect and fitting spiritual descendant for her in our family. Miss Honey was a Beagle-Terrier mix. Samantha, we found out via a small DNA test, is a mix of Toy Fox Terrier and Italian Greyhound, and a mix of other breeds as well from each side of the family…but those are the main two that are most immediate. Some of the Terrier traits can make a dog hyper and reactive on a leash. Miss Honey was, and Samantha is. We are constantly working on that issue. There is a general shape to their faces, as well, that is kindred. They both, in their own ways, desperately needed a home and family — and were/are able to bring great joy and healing to that home and family. It all feels like a continuity, like with our cats.
Rescuing and adopting animals is a part of our family, and our family’s legacy. If we had the means do it and sustain it on a bigger scale, we would!
With Samantha there are many tales to tell. The grossest…let’s see…how I can say this the most delicately? We discovered that we need to separate her from the kitty litter at all times. She is not to be trusted by kitty litter. If you can’t figure out why, I won’t tell you. Suffice it say, the reason is absolutely disgusting…yet a part of dog nature. As mentioned in Part One and Two, there is always the rubbing in dead things type of gross that crops up with dogs from time to time, followed by a bath of necessity. These are small annoyances, though.
Of all the things about Sammy, I would highlight that she is the most affectionate, personal, fun, and loving dog I know. And…there is also something really strange about her. Not bad-strange…just different and enigmatic. Sometimes she doesn’t seem like a dog. She seems like….a person? a seal? a fairy? an alien? or….like a house elf! Yes, maybe that’s it. She’s a free house elf, of course — she came with her own clothes! And, oh, she loves clothes, but only in cool and cold weather.
In the days before J.K. Rowling introduced us all to house elves, and, particularly, Dobby…I would have said that she is most like a helpful house spirit — like a brownie, elemental, fairy or something. But, in reading about and seeing Dobby on the big screen, I would say that she definitely has some kind of house elf energy! She has magic about her, and sometimes, when she looks at us humans with a long steady gaze, so many of us feel that she is more than a dog, and is trying to tell us something important…if only we could understand.
It can be unnerving and mysterious! It has happened to me, my husband, daughter and many of our friends and family who sit with her.
It wasn’t lost on me that both she and Miss Honey spent exactly two weeks in that shelter, and then they came to live with us. They both experienced an abandonment scenario that scarred them for life (Sammy has never fully healed from being left, and still is scared we will leave her), and they both came to us as adults, with great need, and lots of love to give. And where Miss Honey only tolerated the cats, Sammy respects the cats, and has some real cat traits herself.
Our cats are kind of doggish-cats and our dog is, well, cat-ish. This comes from the Italian Greyhound side of her, it seems. This also makes me think of Shaun and Aubrey (from Part One) and how my experience of dogs, from the beginning, was a merging of cat and dog energies. It was meant to be…
Sammy likes to cuddle in our laps, stands on the back of furniture, hates getting wet, and likes to be pet like a cat. She even cuddles with cats sometimes. Still, she really loves a playful dog as well, but prefers being the only dog at home — that is for sure.
A funny story: about a month ago I was walking Sammy in the neighborhood and a couple across the street were pushing a double stroller of little boys that looked like they were around 1.5 years old. One pointed at Sammy and said, “Doggie!” The other boy looked long and hard at Sammy and then said, “No, that’s not a doggie. That’s a weird kitty!” Then they laughed. I also thought that was strangely insightful, and hilarious.
All in all, Sammy is a delight and so special, and we are so lucky to have her! Her story continues…
Right now, she is happy and cozy, on a pillow wrapped in a big blanket as the weather gets chilly this October. Me working from home is what makes life right for Samantha. She actually can’t bear to be left for more than 5-6 hours at a time. It isn’t always easy to accommodate her needs, but it is worth it. We understand the kind of harm that she experienced early on. We understand the needs she has and why. Thankfully, we are able to meet them.
It is my honor to be here for her, and my joy to tell a little of her ongoing story to you. I could actually write a book about Samantha — but now is not the time! So, I’ll wrap this up. Thanks for taking the time to read these stories. I hope you enjoyed them.
Until next time…find a dog to walk and hug if you can. And, live for your dreams, and honor your heart! 🙂
The Story Of The First Dog I Ever Rescued As An Adult, Miss Honey
Sept. 26, 2019
Dogs are embodied joy. Most of the time, when I see a dog, I smile. Most dogs live in the moment with a sweet intensity and playful enthusiasm — it’s irresistible. Dogs are loyal and depend on consistent schedules and their pack/people. Dogs can be such good teachers and wonderful friends. While Shaun had introduced me to some of this, Miss Honey brought me full on into the depths of dog magic and love.
At the end of 2004, while being self-employed at home, and actively caring for a 3 year old daughter and a few cats, I found myself longing for a dog. Our most recent adopted cat at the time, Boris, wanted a dog. I could just tell. Boris was a doggish cat that would greatly appreciate the right kind of dog. My experiences with Aubrey and Shaun probably helped me to have insight into that part of Boris. Doggish cats are certainly the best kind of cats, being a wonderful blend of cat magic and dog wisdom and tendencies — like fetching, the adherence to and need for consistent schedules, and a sense of loyalty and duty. Boris was just such a cat. Having a dog would answer a need in him, and in me. And, this was an opportunity to adopt a dog into the family that my husband and I created together as adults.
I hadn’t had a dog in my life since high school. My father-in-law had a dog, and that fueled my heart’s longing for one to a certain degree. The obstacle, at that time, was my much loved and appreciated life partner/husband, Jeff. He grew up with dogs, and loves and adores them. And, he had a faithful companion, a dog that was his, while growing up. His dog, Gomer, was a Chihuahua-Corgi mix. In all the pictures I saw, from the time Jeff was in middle school and after high school, Gomer was by his side. After Gomer died, Jeff felt unable to open up his heart to a dog again.
Despite this obstacle, it came to be, that my longing for a dog was greater than Jeff’s resistance.
I was looking online at shelters both locally and regionally. I was searching for our dog. I assured Jeff that I would tend to the dog’s needs. He made clear that he would have no part in it.
Some of the private, loving moments of life are shaped, saved, and blessed by beings other than us.
At the beginning of 2005, Jeff’s father died suddenly. He had known that we were looking for a dog. By the middle of June 2005, I had narrowed it down to two dogs at the no-kill county dog shelter, about a half-hour away from our city. One was a little Pug mix named Buzz, and the other was a Beagle-Terrier mix named Summer. I showed our daughter, Samara, and Jeff, the pictures and they agreed that both were cute, and a good size for our family. Jeff especially thought that Summer was adorable, but with a guarded sort of appreciation.
Samara and I drove out to the county shelter. It was a tiny concrete building, just off the freeway. What a sad place it was! A tiny reception room, and through the door a concrete room of kennels with a door outside to a barren fenced-in yard that was sizable. The dogs were all so desperate, sad, and needy. I could barely stand the heartache of their collective pleas, expressed with incessant barking when they saw perhaps someone would take them home. Two people were working who clearly cared deeply for the animals. What the shelter lacked in warmth or comfort was overcome by their dedication. They were eager to introduce us to Buzz and Summer. My heart went out to all the dogs waiting for a home, and I said little prayers for each of them, as I readied myself to perhaps adopt.
Buzz came out first. Buzz was well named! We never actually got to see his face. He was like a tornado, twirling through the room, in tight excited circles. I knew immediately that the cats would not recover from that kind of a dog energy, and we probably wouldn’t either! After Buzz, out came Summer. She walked into the room slowly, and looked at the people working there. She then walked up to me, lowered her head and leaned it against my legs. I spoke with the people as I held her head, and rubbed her satiny soft ears.
She had been brought in by people who said they had found her at another small town’s golf course. She was wandering there. The shelter worker added that this may simply be a story, and that sometimes people surrender animals without admitting that that is what they are doing. One clue, the worker mentioned, was that they had suggested her name was Summer when they brought her in, which the shelter added as her name. Summer was estimated to be 5-7 years old at that time.
I knew, as we sat and petted her, that she needed us, and we needed her. I made the offer to adopt her. Unfortunately, she had just been brought in, so we were forced to wait two weeks, in case someone would claim her. In addition to that hard news, the shelter worker informed me that whomever gets to the shelter first on the first day that she is officially up for adoption, gets her. Back then they opened at 6:30 am.
As Samara and I moved to leave, Summer tried to leave with us. I leaned down and told her that I would return for her. It was so hard for us to leave that day. And for two weeks, our hearts were holding their breath, waiting.
So, it was on my birthday week, in the first week of July, that my daughter and I got up extra early to be at the shelter by 6:30 am to adopt Summer. There was no one else there but the workers, and the adoption was a go!
We re-named her Miss Honey, after the kind, gentle teacher from the book and movie, Matilda, by Roald Dahl. What we noticed about Miss Honey and delighted in, were the following things:
She kept her puppy ears — her ears were like silk. She had the prettiest white eye lashes. And she inherited the Beagle traits of singing, dancing, crooning, and sighing when she feels good.
It wasn’t long before we found out that Miss Honey had some serious health issues. She came to us with Lyme’s disease, a severe bladder infection, and many large and small stones in her bladder, which required surgery. From the x-rays, we learned, as a side note from the veterinarian, that Miss Honey had pellets lodged under her skin, probably from a gun while hunting for small game. It became clear to us that she had been, most likely, abandoned because of her health problems.
In addition to the surgery and recovering from Lyme’s disease, we discovered that Miss Honey didn’t know how to play. In addition to this, she had been traumatized by being abandoned by her people (whether that was at the shelter or near a golf course). She associated getting into a car with being abandoned, and she never recovered from that particular trauma. Even after many years with us, reinforcing that we are her “forever home” over and over and over — the scar and its memory never left. She had issues related to abandonment all her life. Despite this, Miss Honey healed well.
I taught her how to play. And I have Shaun, our dog when I was a kid, to thank for that. I taught Miss Honey how to play by getting down on the floor in the universal position for play in dog language. If you don’t know this position, it is when a dog is lying down with their front legs, with head down, and the back legs are standing, while the tail wags. This position means, “I want to play!” Then, I would play with a toy and gently encourage her to do so as well. I showed her that it was okay, and that she had permission to have fun. At first, if she did join in and start to play, but she would quickly get self-conscious and nervous. Then, she would begin licking her arm obsessively. It took quite a while to get past that stage of fear. The good news is, we did get past it, and she spent many, many years playing with abandon and great enjoyment!
When I first began caring for Miss Honey, and we began those first daily walks, I felt a great joy rise up from my being. It was so healing to have a dog in my life again. In fact, Miss Honey is responsible for much joy, insight, learning, and healing for me and my life — and for my family. I had gained the most loyal, faithful, loving friend, in dog form, that I had known. She held joy and connection for me alone, in some ways. Some would say that I was her Alpha, but really, I was her rescuer, teacher, adopter — and she was mine in many ways.
You may be wondering how Jeff was taking all of this, given that he was resistant to getting a dog…
Well, after about three months of me taking full responsibility for all of Miss Honey’s needs…and after Jeff also witnessed how Honey was utterly loyal to me, something in Jeff shifted.
Maybe it started when we were in a large field, and I went as far across it as I could, and Jeff and Samara held Honey until I waved my hands in the distance. As they let go of Miss Honey, she raced to me at full tilt, wanting only to be at my side, floating on the air with a beaming smile, and a lolling tongue of joy. Jeff’s heart melted. Well, all of our heart’s melted! In witnessing this love, it awakened great love and joy in him, and good, sacred memories. The pain of loss and grief was still a part of him, but it warmed into a continuity of love, translated into the present.
Jeff expressed such adoration in seeing the love that Honey had for me. For me, this was something new. I hadn’t had a dog bond to me like that before. It is humbling, healing, and a great responsibility. The beautiful part is that I was ready for it, and was able to be responsible to and for that beautiful dog.
The bond between me and Honey gave Jeff room to feel more, and open up his heart, without all of it edging in on Gomer’s place in his heart. Witnessing the bond allowed his grief to soften.
One day, I walked into the living room, and found Jeff lying on the floor by Honey, playing with her, and just the faintest hint of tears were in his eyes. It was on that day that I knew Jeff’s heart was open and healing. From that day on, we shared the care for Honey equally. And since that day, Jeff has told me that he always wants to have a dog in his life.
The other thing you may be wondering about is how Boris and Miss Honey got along. Well, he fell in love with her, of course. Miss Honey, for her part, only tolerated the cats for my sake. But, with Boris she was different. She respected Boris. He could lay by her without her wanting to leave. He could play by her. And when she got out of line, he would tap the top of her head like a drum roll with his paw — so fast, and not quite hard, that she would flinch and blink her eyes. When he did that, then she would shape up and stop causing rifts between herself and the other cats. It was funny, and just what she needed on some days.
I think I have covered how dogs are wonderful in this story, but maybe not so much the strange and gross. For the most part, Miss Honey was a lovely, loving dog. She was never trying to be funny. And she certainly wasn’t the kind of dog that thrived on being strange or gross, but she had her moments…but nothing outrageous.
Miss Honey did like to rub the top of her lower back where it meets her tail under chairs. She would rub back and forth like a bear rubs his back against a tree. She would do this without ceasing whenever she thought we weren’t around or wouldn’t notice. She also broke into a whole container of freshly baked gingerbread cookies that were sealed with a sturdy plastic lid. We came home to find the plastic lid torn, and most of the cookies gone and in her belly.
Once, she was going to vomit in the living room on the carpet, and Jeff ran to her and cupped his hands, of all things, under her mouth. His two hands happened to hold the exact amount that came out. That was certainly gross, weird, and strangely hilarious. I certainly will never forget it. Even Miss Honey seemed a little weirded out by that. And of course, rolling in nasty dead things is a given for any dog, so I won’t go into that. She did it. They do it, and it serves a purpose from their ancestral past — but in the present, it is just nasty.
At Christmas time, we quickly learned that there could be no wrapped sweets under the tree. My mother had left freshly made Divinity candy wrapped under the tree for my mother-in-law. When we returned from an outing with them, we found that Miss Honey had ripped them open and eaten all the Divinity candy! She was a dog who loved treats, and had a terrible affection for sweets! We certainly didn’t try to let her have actual candy or chocolate, but it sure was challenging keeping her away from it.
A fond memory for my husband, daughter and me is the day that we all went for a neighborhood walk with Miss Honey, and we decided to give her full reign. We let her lead us all around the neighborhood — wherever she wanted to go. She meandered for a while. And then, for a straight 8 blocks, she walked faster and faster, with more and more purpose and vigor. After about a mile of walking, we laughed and laughed to find that she had led us to the back of a local strip mall, and specifically to the back door of Coney Island. The smell of hot dogs, chili, and fries were intoxicating for her. We relented and got her a hot dog without the bun. She eagerly ate it. We also tried to keep her diet healthy, and that was not a repeat practice, though she wished it was. Still, we gave her plenty of healthy treats and good food.
It was always bliss to go for walks with her everywhere, and to see her dance with joy to get home into a warm, happy house. After dancing, she would sing that Beagle croon of happiness. What a dog! She would actually dance with us when we would have little dance parties at home too. She was such a respectful, obedient dog in many ways. But, not because we had disciplined her, because she was filled with the beauty and gratitude of new life…
One of my fondest memories of Miss Honey is when Samara’s kindergarten teacher let me bring Miss Honey for a show and tell. The children all sat in a large circle on the ground as Miss Honey and I came in. Samara’s place in the circle was empty as she stood and introduced Miss Honey and talked about her. As we were welcomed into the room, I let Miss Honey off leash and she immediately went to Samara’s empty spot and sat still in the circle, just like all of the children. Everyone was delighted and amazed by her willingness to sit and be with them like that. And the teacher explained that it takes a lot of time to get a dog to listen and obey like that. I didn’t interject at all or correct the teacher, but I knew that Miss Honey wasn’t doing it out of obedience or anything I placed upon her, she did it out of love. She was a beautiful teacher and friend.
Sadly, in early October of 2013, Miss Honey was diagnosed with an aggressive throat cancer. We applied the care of medicines to extend her life, while keeping in mind her need for quality of life. She continued to make the effort to run, walk, ask for table scraps and even continued to try to sneak-eat cat food. I told our youngest cat of that time, Wesley, that Miss Honey was having a hard time. Wesley went to her and licked her ears and rubbed against her. Boris would lay by her side, more and more. She was also old — she had trouble seeing, and had arthritis. Jeff went out of his way to give her little treats that she adored and that were easy to eat in the last months. He would give her small mixtures of cream cheese and peanut butter with the medicine. She loved that.
By the beginning of November (2013), it was clear that she needed to be euthanized. She began having trouble breathing, and began choking at times. We had never had to euthanize an animal companion before, and we were maybe waiting a bit too long, feeling afraid of having to do that.
My oldest sister, Kelly, who would die of cancer about five months later, said to me that November:
“It’s never an easy choice…they are family. I love you, whatever you do — she knows you love her, and you have given her a wonderful life…always know that. Love you.
~ Kelly Burns
Miss Honey didn’t want to leave, but she also became miserable from that wicked disease.
You know, there are never enough kisses, hugs, affirmations, or walks to express the depth of love that is really there.
After Thanksgiving of that month, Miss Honey was euthanized, and we witnessed that it was a peaceful, merciful death. It was terribly hard for us to say goodbye to her, and it was a blessing to be able to let her go peacefully. Right before she was euthanized I fed her little chocolates, which she gobbled up happily. Jeff and I both held her together as she gently left her body, and then we both ugly-cried.
There is no easy way to say goodbye to those we love…whether they are humans or other beings we share our lives with. But, sealed in the goodbyes are memories and love that lasts lifetimes.
This sacred dog story is shared with you because I feel the dogs wish for me to share them. Some of the private, loving moments of life are shaped, saved, and blessed by beings other than us.
Dogs are still mysterious to me. Even in all that I learned with Miss Honey, I still don’t totally comprehend dogs. Though, I do now respect and adore them, as I do cats, and other animals.
Well, this beloved dog story leads to my current dog story….stay tuned for the dog of my current life, and her story, next week!
Part One: A Nun’s Dog Was Given To Us, And Then Was Seduced By Our Cat ~ True Story
CS Sherin, September 19, 2019, edited 09-21-19
Being a dog or cat person has been such a big thing in our culture. I am truly an animal person, having an innate appreciation and love for most animals, and other creatures of nature. At the same time, I have experienced an affinity — a deep understanding of and with cats. They are accessible, fascinating beings who have always made life better for me. Dogs have been there for me too, but understanding them deeply has been a process over many years (particularly with three dogs in different eras of my life) rather than an instant access and affinity. Don’t get me wrong, I can delight in dogs, and have always loved them. It’s just that I don’t always fully understand them.
Like the rest of my life, getting to know dogs started off amidst odd circumstances…
When I was a kid, my single mother and I were close to a German priest, Gus, and an Irish nun, Rosemary — they both worked at an ecumenical retreat center in the tiny town where we lived. Fr. Gus ran the retreat center for most of the time that it was in operation, and Sr. Rosemary was the acting psychologist there. There were many other sisters and brothers there as well, who came and went, that were a part of my daily and weekly life in the 80s — from the time I was 8 years old until I was about 17.
Anyway, one year, Rosemary was given a puppy as a gift for Christmas. He was an American Cocker Spaniel, and came with a red bow around his neck. I will never forget the adorable puppy or the smile of glee on her face. Rosemary asked for us to help name him, and my mother came up with O’Shaughnessy right away to honor her Irish heritage, which Rosemary loved. We all then shortened it, most of the time, to Shaun.
Although Shaun was a heartwarming companion for Rosemary (and Gus, who also took to him and helped with him), it turned out that Shaun didn’t like any priests other than Gus. They told us that Shaun would chase after, and try to bite the legs of other priests, who were visiting the retreat center. Needless to say, this was bad for business, though kind of funny. It was also kind of strange, because Shaun was the most peaceful, non-violent, mellow dog you would ever meet. Because of this problem, Rosemary asked if we would take Shaun in as our own. My mother said yes — to my surprise and happiness! Since Gus and Rosemary would often visit us, and we saw them regularly, they still got to love on Shaun all the time. It worked out.
This was the beginning of how some big things were revealed to me about dogs, which really made an impression on me, at an impressionable time in my life.
After we left Shaun alone the first time, and when we came home, we found that he had had a massive tantrum. I had been into latch-hook rugs at the time, and had tons of the short yarn in open little boxes as I worked on them. Shaun had taken ALL the yarns, all of it, and had strewn it throughout the house, upstairs and downstairs. It was a staggering amount of energy he spent doing this. We couldn’t believe it! For me, as a kid, it was amazing to see how he could put his feelings all over the house like that, to let us know. Eventually it was funny. We could appreciate that he went all out…even though it was a major pain to clean up, there is a certain amount of respect we grant for that kind of dedication.
We had a little toy-box for Shaun in the living room. It was his pride and joy. Regularly, each week, he would take time to, seemingly, count each toy. Each toy was accounted for, and if it wasn’t there, he would look for it or ask us to.
Most notable about this little blonde, long-eared, brown-eyed doggy, was that he was extremely loving, peaceful, and really, a pacifist. We chalked it up to his first bonds with religious order folks. When he and I would take walks, sometimes we would encounter an aggressive or even mean dog. Shaun wouldn’t fight back. Not even a bark, whine, or growl would be expressed. I learned quickly to pick him up if a mean dog was loose.
The influence of his religious upbringing went even further. He seemed uninterested in female dogs. This disinterest also extended to our very beautiful cat, Aubrey. Aubrey was a tiger cat with a blend of tan, black, and red colors, and beautiful greenish-gold eyes. She was a super model of cats. Aubrey fell in love with Shaun right away. She must have thought he was the cutest, sweetest guy ever. And, he was not much bigger than she.
Shaun was extremely uncomfortable with Aubrey’s attention. She would come up and sniff at his face, and then try to rub back and forth around his body, ending, always, with an elegant wrapping of her tail around his face and under his chin, like a caress. It was hilarious to watch, because he would only move his eyes awkwardly, sitting still as a stone. This would go on, day after day, and he would still simply sit, stoically unmoved by her advances and affection.
My mother and I would laugh, watching this, because it was clear that after weeks and months of this, Aubrey cat, was starting to get to Shaun, the dog. He was starting to soften and enjoy her attention, but didn’t want to disappoint us, it seemed. He definitely didn’t want us to know. At least, not during the day in the living room. He would even, sometimes, jump up, uncharacteristically, to the top back edge of the couch, like a cat, trying to escape her advances. Often their interactions were better entertainment than anything on TV — besides The Muppet Show.
And then, the weirdness of all of this reached its peak.
I was asleep in my bedroom upstairs, and up they came, to my room. Why my room? I was a teen in middle school at the time. They came up making a racket of sorts, and woke me. It was Aubrey, walking around slowly in my room, with Shaun thumping along at her back, behind her. I admonished them for waking me on a school night, and whisper-yelled to try to get them to stop. They wouldn’t. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He was crazy in love with her, that was clear, and she had broken down all his barriers. I was witnessing inter-species love!
After many times of this happening at night, and always in my room, I broke down, and told my mother. She didn’t believe me at first, and didn’t think it was possible. I asked if they ever went in her room. She said they didn’t at all, and that she had seen nothing of the sort. Well, I had news for her!
Eventually she believed me. She came from an era of no communication about anything sexual, so this was a bit of a breach for her, at first. But she came around eventually. Frankly, at that age, I needed the moral support. This was before internet. There were no people to ask if this was normal or not. Once my mother adjusted and accepted what I told her, we began to muse. We mused upon how Shaun’s first instincts had been shaped by his first adoption by a nun, and a priest who shared the care and duties for him. Both of them were children at heart, but lived a dutiful life, working and living as celibates for a spiritual purpose. They had high standards for Shaun, and he did his best to live up to them. Dogs want to emulate the unspoken standards of their pack. That is an endearing quality. But sometimes, this can inhibit some of the true self…
We laughed at how he had changed with us. Whenever Gus would visit, and when he had to leave, he would mention having to go back to civilization in a humorous way — he was a joker. But, really, as a kid, I thought about that. Gus and Rosemary felt relief and freedom visiting us. My mother created a peaceful, relaxed, hospitable home that was open and accepting of most anyone. It was a peaceful home-base for both of us, despite the stress, loss, and hardships of life at that time.
Shaun had come into his own. He had a box of toys, a house and yard of his own, a family, and extended family, and he had fallen in love. He was an endearing family member and companion. He was a gentle guy, always willing to go along with me, and whatever I was up to. Shaun had a really great amount of hair on the top of his head too, and I remember how delightfully fun it was putting mousse in it, and styling it. He didn’t mind at all.
This dog also loved when we would walk to see nearby cows in a pasture. Then, his feisty side would show itself. He would act very peaceful, getting as close as he possibly could, and the cows would approach him at the fence. When they all got close, he would surprise them with robust barking and running (on the leash). They would run for their lives, and I could see him laughing, in that way that dogs do. It was funny and fun for both of us, but not so much for the cows. It was harmless, though, and they fell for it every time. I have to think they were allowing him his game. Also, some memories of Shaun are strong because they were pungent. He also loved to roll in cow pies, as dogs do. Which is, obviously, disgusting. And cow pies simply reek. The worst part of that was when we had to put him in the car to get home, and the smell was so overbearing, that it was unforgettable.
Many years later, life changed for us and Shaun.
My mother found an apartment in the city where I had started going to college. The apartment allowed cats, but no dogs. We were heartbroken to think of having to re-home Shaun. It was unthinkable. Gus and Rosemary had moved away a few years before (as the religious go where they are told to go) and we were all he had. My mother asked my godmother if she and her husband would take in Shaun. They had always had dogs, and were extremely loving and caring people — to dogs and everyone else. They said yes, and as hard as that was to do, we knew that this was the best-case scenario for everyone.
Some of the private, loving moments of life are shaped, saved, and blessed by beings other than us.
However, there was something we weren’t prepared for…
When I was on vacation from college, my mother and I went to visit my godmother, her husband, Larry, and Shaun. We were in for some big surprises. We came with the feeling of grief and guilt. But, that quickly faded away with all the new things going on for Shaun.
First of all, they renamed him Porky. I can’t not laugh out loud when saying this. The one thing that Shaun had always been extremely unhappy about with us was that we didn’t give him people food or a lot of treats. It was pretty boring in the food area, and part of that was because we were always low on cash. Anyway, we had a re-introduction to this dog-kid, Porky. He was thrilled to see us! It was beautiful. He celebrated, and he gave us kisses, and we hugged and pet him in joy. But then, it got to be too much, and he made a loud statement. This statement was just as loud as the yarn tantrum, in fact.
With body language he told us, quite clearly, without mincing words, that he loves us, but greatly prefers his new people and new life as Porky. He went over to Larry, and demonstrated how he gets wonderful back rubs from Larry’s feet while he sits in the recliner. He showed us how, though, he wasn’t fat, that his every food fantasy was catered to here, and that he wasn’t about to lead us on. I think he was responding to my feelings of wanting him to be my dog again, even though I knew it was for the best.
When he felt stubborn, even though he was a little dog, he could sit like lead in one spot, not to be moved. We most often found this when trying to get him to the bath. On this day, it was in me wanting to show him more affection while also feeling a little bit of wanting him back…he responded by refusing to leave Larry’s side. He didn’t do it meanly, he just wanted to be clear. We appreciated his honesty, even if it felt like a rough kind of snub at first.
All in all, the visit was enlightening.
Shaun aka Porky showed us that while he loved us, he prefers the man of the house, which was something we could never give him. It seemed to us at the time that he preferred male energy. At that time we made that assumption — but we know now that isn’t true. He preferred the man, the food, and the back rubs — he preferred life at my godmother’s house — it was all good, and what he wanted! And really, we couldn’t ask for a better outcome. Shaun wasn’t dumb, these are salt of the earth people — and we didn’t blame him a bit. We were actually deeply relieved. We recognized that his ultimate joys were being fulfilled. What more can you ask for, for someone you love and care about? It couldn’t have been a better retirement for him! There was no Aubrey, true, but there were kind, loving dog people. Porky was in heaven.
It was many years later, when my godmother called my mother, weeping, telling us that Porky died peacefully in the yard on St. Patrick’s Day. She had been putting off telling us. My mother and I extended our deepest sympathy and gratitude to my godmother. We were so grateful for the love of and from this family for Shaun the Porky, and we were amazed and touched that he had gone home on a day that honored Rosemary. Since she had also passed on, I felt like it was a spiritual synchronicity that said in a deeper way, that all is well.
Stay tuned next week, for Part Two of Dogs Are Strange, Gross, And Wonderful….
The Golden Rules For Feelings, And Other Thoughts In Verse
CS Sherin, 09-10-2019, edited 9-11-19
are neither good or bad… they just are. If denied they become like exiled mice burrowing and hiding in hidden places of the psyche and body, indefinitely. Only when they are felt and named can they be released and resolved… even if it takes 50 years, or more.
If there is no room for certain feelings they can get squeezed out sideways in unintended words or actions that may inflict lasting harm… a lot of times upon those undeserving and most loved. Or we may express inappropriate emotions at inappropriate times because we were never given permission to show certain feelings, like sadness, fear, or anger.
Feelings are like babies or art… they are so often a surprise, an experience created and flowing through us without effort, a full human experience… emotions provide a needed function that each of us is responsible for…even while others may come to their own interpretations about it.
Feelings are. All the feelings are natural, honest responses to whatever we are experiencing. Sometimes they seem ugly and wrong, sometimes they are harsh and exaggerated, but truth is they are what they are… and everyone has all of them no matter how repressed and denied they may be. Sometimes the full gamut of emotions haven’t been felt or experienced, but the potential remains the same within each of us.
What is important, essential, absolutely necessary is to look at our feelings and name them, especially the difficult or enigmatic ones — whenever we can, no matter how clumsy or tentative it seems in doing so.
Feelings, ultimately are meant to be felt and then fade…let go of in the moment, and recycled into other energy and actions that are needed in each moment.
If we cannot let a feeling go it becomes something else… a thing, a force that we consciously or unconsciously choose to feed and hold onto… like a depraved zombie that is treated like a beloved teddy bear — it will surely cause malfunctions and other problems both subtle and obvious.
If it is hard to let go of a certain feeling it may require really listening to and responding to the feeling, or it may mean that one feeling is dominating as a defense to hide a deeper feeling that was or is less acceptable to us or to those who influenced us.
Look at your feelings, name them, and let them go. Let it be natural. Let it be like a passing moment.
No bird ever soars by holding on.
Truly, real and needed fear can keep us alive, and generate enough kinetic energy to fuel needed responses to real danger and emergencies: like running, rescuing, putting out fires, fighting for our lives, and so on.
Best we don’t hold onto it. Best we listen to it and respond. That allows the natural flow into needed actions and new feelings and experiences.
Real and needed anger can alert us to the fact that our boundaries are being disrespected, someone is being harmed, or that we need to say no, because we are allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of, and we are giving too much. And, it can tell us that the other person cannot be trusted, and shouldn’t be at this time. The anger serves its purpose… we feel it, we listen to it, name and understand it, and respond to it appropriately, and then, move on. Anger too, can give us new energy to act, to respond, to create positive change, movements for the good, and new creations. Anger doesn’t mean ugly. It means something productive needs to happen, adjustments need to be made. Deep breathing helps.
As emotions flow through and out of us channeling difficult ones into actions and words that do the least harm, is most preferable. Seeking to channel difficult feelings can contribute to health and creativity.
It is a choice to be responsible and transform pain and difficulty into something helpful and healing, or at least something that brings greater health and balance to self… rather than creating more, and unnecessary suffering.
In anger I have created some of my most beautiful art. Channeling emotions with creativity can be surprising, refreshing, renewing. It can lead to great things.
Easy feelings are easy. Difficult and layered feelings can be quite hard and uncomfortable.
Rage and terribly sad can be much harder. Along with resentment, jealous insecurity and many other challenging emotional states brought about by many dynamics…
Norms make some of these unacceptable to feel or express, except when channeled into energy that bypasses perceived weaknesses…
Feelings range the gamut and can be easy to handle, feel, name and let go of unless we have been in places in circles where we were made to feel over and over and over that certain feelings are wrong and bad or that there is no room for our feelings or that feelings are inferior or too big, or too much trouble… there are so many ways that our culture has manipulated, exploited and exiled feelings, while also neglecting to teach healthy processes for them.
Some of us grew up being told without words that there will be no support for our feelings (trusted caregivers did this, as was done to them)…or that some feelings are forbidden. This is like telling someone that peeing is forbidden. The pee is going to come out sooner or later. Seen or unseen.
Feelings are an automatic and natural response to experiences and situations.
Some of us received love when we expressed pleasant emotions and then likewise, love was withheld if we expressed anger or other “ugly” feelings.
Some natural feelings became confusing, hard, forbidden.
There were so many unspoken judgements and snares like barbed wire for our automatic, natural emotions to navigate, all the while our brains weren’t fully developed.
Drugs and alcohol often step in for so many of us to alleviate, numb, or mask the difficult feelings and exile, and the resulting anxiety and depression produced by such a dysfunctional culture that has developed and upheld such corrupt systems that discriminate and silence among other things, natural functions necessary for healthy development, comprehension and coping skills.
Stress can be living in an environment that denies and forbids difficult feelings in public and community settings, while also setting up media forces that feed on stagnant, underdeveloped, unhealthy held-on-to emotions.
Seems a stage set for devolution, really.
We have a right to our feelings. Just as it is a basic right to go to the bathroom in a healthy, sanitary way. We don’t have a right to piss on others and to take out our pissed off state on others. Dealing with others who are doing this, or being cold and vicious can be just as challenging to handle.
We have a right to our feelings and there is only one over-arching golden rule:
While feelings are neither good or bad… when you are old enough to understand and respond, you are 100% responsible for your own feelings and how you handle them.
The GOLDEN RULE has many parts, but it is all one understanding and code: We honor our feelings, we take responsibility for our feelings, and we take every measure to refrain from causing harm to self or others due to our feelings. We find ways to express our feelings in healthy, honest, creative ways. We refrain from holding on to feelings, and instead, we let them flow. Except, with an anger that is unreasonably lit with threat to harm, we engage our breath, logic, and exercise — we engage all manners of detaching from the lit rage, as needed, so that it does not become unnecessary harm and suffering for others and self.
We are most true when we realize: No one makes us feel a certain way. We experience our own feelings, through our own experiences and lens of perception. Likewise, we aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings. Still, we can share a healthy detachment that seeks to acknowledge and honor the feelings of others, as needed, in order to address something important. Then, we let the feelings go, and move on… all the wiser.
Having lived with and loved many exceptional cats in my life so far, I am finally getting around to sharing some of their sage advice for life and living. The cats I know and love, and those that have since carried on across the Rainbow Bridge, all are/were the best kinds of cats. The best cats aren’t really aloof, mean or uncaring. Quite the opposite. Anyway, please enjoy some of the wisdom I have gleaned from generations of fur family companions, as it comes straight from them. 🙂
Life Advice From Cats
If you are a leader: lead with love and encouragement. Purr and smile when things are good. Also, correct bad behavior swiftly, and mean it. Hiss if necessary.
Become good friends with the dog. Keep it on the down low. And hit the top of her head (not too hard) if she gets rude.
Hold your loved ones paw until they fall asleep when they are sad. Stay beside them when they are sick.
Smile, run, play, eat, cuddle, nap.
Ask for what you need when you can’t do it for yourself. Be as loud and creative as needed.
Take your jobs and duties in life seriously, and keep your humor.
Vow to be true to those in your care. Watch over a child. Protect and guide them.
Be king or queen of your own life. Be just, valiant, fiercely passionate. Do this without apology or arrogance.
Be tidy in the bathroom.
Take sun baths whenever possible.
Cuddle with your loved ones.
Jump the fence. Even if it is quite tall. Do this to really live — not to run away. Go just a little ways past the fence and sleep under garden plants for the day, where no one can find you.
Get home in time for dinner.
May we all make the most of the life we have, with the luck of nine lives, and the health of a happy purr in our hearts that abides. Meow!
Ethical Leadership for all, and shifting our thoughts and actions in healthier, empowering ways that last
CS Sherin, August 27, 2019
After I earned my MA degree in Servant Leadership in the Spring of 2006, one of the major lessons that stayed with me was the understanding that real change — the kind that is ethical and accountable, the kind that lasts — does not happen overnight — it takes time. For an ethical leader (and the average person seeking to change destructive habits and live more ethically), this means being dedicated to the best possible outcome and positive impacts for all involved. It also means caring more about long-term results than about immediate satisfaction. This requires thoughtful, engaged patience, and an understanding of the time and timing required for real, lasting change to be established and maintained over time.
Impatience, shortcuts, quantity over quality, greed, abuse of power and control, and leaning on loopholes and convenience ultimately degrade long-term progress, health, and sustainability. Although we may enjoy and see short-term progress by doing these things — in most cases, that kind of progress won’t last, and if it does, it will be riddled with compromises and harm to health, esteem, ethics, and healthy communication and systems.
For example, when we first bring a fish home to the aquarium, there may be an impatient desire to get the new fish into the aquarium right away. If we give in to that selfish impatience without gradually acclimating the fish to the new water and temperature, the fish can go into shock, become injured, sick, and/or die. Sometimes the shock and subsequent illness or injury from that initial impatience won’t be immediately visible — it may happen days later or a month later, but the harm was done. Taking the 30 minutes to 2 hours or longer, that a new fish may need to acclimate to the new environment makes all the difference.
So it is with cutting corners to achieve something — it can give the satisfaction of visual completion and short term satisfaction, but at what ultimate cost to integrity, quality, health, and future ability to thrive?
We also need to make space in order to fully evaluate and receive feedback on current: needs, communication, delegation, processes for feedback, efficiency, transparency; and inclusivity of processes, systems, and structures.
At the same time we need to take the time to evaluate ourselves (as leader, or leader of one’s own life) alongside the work, project, team, and/or organization. Ultimately, we cannot administrate, manage, or lead effectively — we cannot change destructive habits, and systemic problems — until we have addressed ourselves and our own inner workings honestly, and as objectively as possible. No matter how far we’ve come, the need for this practice remains true.
How can we, as ethical leaders/individuals, best serve our purpose, the people we work with, our teams and/or those in our care?
The leader sets the tone. The leader establishes what is acceptable and not acceptable by: tone, actions, style, methods, policies, presence, and follow-through. To effect real, positive, lasting change we must be willing to do the kind of work and collaboration that establishes new pathways in place of familiar, comfortable, dysfunctional ones. We must be willing to see systemic privilege, and to see past assumptions that run on autopilot.
The ethical leader asks, “How can I best serve my purpose, my employees, clients, and/or customers now, and for the long haul?” and “How can I create a healthy, thriving system that is sustainable, transparent, and ethical for the long haul?” The real answers require extra effort, time, and resources. The real answers also include knowing the importance of creating effective teams, supporting them, delegating with clarity, and then walking away with trust and knowing. Then, being free to address the big picture issues while the details are left in capable hands that report back.
There are many steps involved in getting to that point. Yet, the results? The results may not be evident right away. It depends on how healthy or not healthy things are to begin with. Yet, the payoff for long-term transformational change is: greater satisfaction, productivity, creativity with better results, and a system of collaboration that is strong and can last.
But how do we get there? We have to start with ourselves. All of this is applicable to each of us. We are the ethical leaders of our lives, or not. We are the administrators of our lifestyles and habits.
When we keep our standards high and inspiring, we have motivation to do better: personally, independently, and in collaboration. When we instill standards of healthy communication and effective, responsive accountability and pathways for it — we begin to build lasting systems for positive change. Even if we need to work quickly with intense deadlines, there are still ways to implement systems within culture and operations that are ultimately healthier, refreshing, sustainable, and invigorating for the long haul. We simply must stop and take the time to establish them, so that intense deadlines become an enjoyable, exciting challenge rather than hellish and draining.
All of this is applicable to each of us. We are the ethical leaders of our lives, or not. We are the administrators of our lifestyles and habits.
In the face of challenges and setbacks, the patience to grow real lasting change remains a core value for the ethical leader. The big picture is not lost, the big goal is kept central during setbacks. And, core motivation includes knowing that: facilitating healthy restoration of systems eventually translates into returns and legacies of lasting value. In this same way, each of us may apply these values and practices, in order to navigate and wield the authority of leadership for our own lives, and increasingly, in the best ways possible.
Begin With Yourself: Understanding Habits
This approach and these lessons are adaptable and applicable for most everyone. But where to start? We want to begin the long, demanding, and worthwhile, rewarding path by being aware of and changing our own habits and autopilot blind assumptions/norms. By beginning this process on the personal level, we may then effectively respond to changing needs, emergency situations, and a troubled human world and Environment in flux.
To do this, we must first grasp what habit really is. Creating a habit demands a considerable investment of our time and energy. Much like Artificial Intelligence requires tons of data in order to learn, grow and operate well — human habits are also established by tons of repetition and concerted effort in order to become autopilot functions.
“Habit” is defined as: “something done often and regularly; a behavior or action repeated regularly so as to have become automatic.” Some synonyms for habit include: routine, pattern/norm. The idiom, to be “on automatic pilot” can be defined as: “completing a task without awareness or thinking because it has been repeated so many times that the function is automatic.” With autopilot in this sense, the meaning also connotes a degree of unconscious, mindless behavior.
Many parts of operating and driving a vehicle become habitual — we go on autopilot with many aspects of driving. We also operate with a good measure of trust for the maps in our memories that help us to navigate in the area in which we live without much, if any, thought. It is much the same in navigating and operating within our homes and at work each day. Some of us have mental memory maps so well-defined and subtly present in our neural pathways that we can even walk with our eyes closed (or in the dark) and find our way around the house (or neighborhood) with little to no problems.
In “Primal Leadership” by Daniel Goleman, the author explains how habits form strong, rigid neural pathways in the brain. These pathways are solid and resistant to change. Yet, the author reported, it was discovered that those pathways can be altered and changed — however, it takes a lot of conscious effort and persistence to succeed in doing this. Repetition is the key to creating a habit (healthy, neutral, or destructive) and to set a more fixed pathway in the brain, and therefore, in one’s life. Anyone who has developed a somewhat destructive habit can attest to the effort and determination required in order to alter that habit.
Inner Peace Matters
One necessary component for making change that lasts is to achieve a complete sense of resolve about the change that is needed.
A resolute belief or motivation is the fuel that transforms a habit. Being free of any conflicting feelings or beliefs regarding the needed change is quite necessary, in order for any of the effort to succeed for the long-term. If even a quarter of our mind and/or heart is conflicted about changing the habit, the effort will most likely fail in the long-term. Most often, it would happen via subconscious and subtle sabotage, or a very conscious and clear defeated or jaded attitude.
People may turn to hypnotism and visualizations to undo self-sabotaging behavior that is resistant to the desire to change. Sometimes this is successful, sometimes it isn’t. Deep down, the knots must be untangled, with visualization and hypnotism, or through other methods and modalities. However it is done, the deeper issues of conflicted feelings, thoughts and beliefs regarding the habit must be found, faced, and resolved consciously.
Psychologists often say that a bad habit often continues because a person is gaining something from it, even when they say they want to stop. Perhaps an unconscious bit of the person likes the negative attention, or ties it to something learned in childhood. Sometimes, there is a hidden sentimentality, judgment, pride, or sense of entitlement attached, no matter how veiled. Whatever it is, we have to be willing to face and evaluate our own inner workings and inner saboteur as we seek to change habits and lifestyle for the better. It is essential that we search our own thoughts and feelings regarding any needed change that must take place. Right along with this searching, is prioritizing time to process issues, and to begin to enter into the needed change with deeper resolve.
During and after that, asking for feedback from honest and trusted others is also important. It is important to choose to hear feedback from those who will tell the truth, not what we want to hear — yet also those who care about us and want us to succeed in these positive changes. In this way, we gain perspective and new ideas. It is an ongoing practice of transparency and accountability — first in relationship to self, and then to others. Here is an example for perspective. Please read it both literally and figuratively:
I have moved into two different houses where the yards needed restoration. The first had been treated by pesticides for years, but had fertile soil, and lots to work with. It took about three years for the yard to fully recover — and became a thriving oasis of native plants and a refuge for wildlife. The second also had been treated for pesticides at one time, and the soil was greatly depleted and mostly sand. This yard has taken longer to recover, and still can’t fully recover without amending the soil. A big leap to lushness and progress was not evident until five years had passed. That being said, I am no expert in restoring yards, and I do the little by little approach in that regard. Additionally, this second yard hasn’t been a main priority like the other was. In aiming to restore the second yard — without expertise, or a lot of dedicated time, or a lot of invested money/resources — the long term results took longer.
Someone once told me that when they moved in to their new house, their yard had been treated yearly with pesticides as well. They took an intensive approach, investing resources into immediate change that would improve year after year. They had all the grass removed and planted clover as a ground cover instead of grass. This ground cover is organic and provides food for bees, and requires little, if any mowing.
While I didn’t immediately invest in overall change for the second yard, I did effect overall change in one way. Without pesticides and herbicides involved, I was able to allow pollinator ground cover to take over naturally. This took longer, yet it worked well. I allowed the plantain, clover, violets, and dandelions to spread, while planting native plants, and allowing them to propagate naturally as well.
Consciously Changing Habits
In committing to needed change through ongoing self-reflection regarding thoughts, choices, and habits — we will be able to maintain a vivid and thriving approach that is more in tune with current and changing needs and realities. In addition, we are then able to be in tune more authentically to who we are, and who we are becoming. This can serve to boost confidence, mood, and motivation. This also then, translates into new ways of approaching leadership, management, care, and facilitation for others.
Our thoughts, once observed, reveal much. In observing and evaluating our thoughts, we see, little by little, or all at once — what we have left to autopilot each day. Most likely some of it will be unwanted, outdated, and perhaps even counter-productive to our well-being and most desired goals for life and work. Some of it may not even really be ours, but expectations and distorted voices that belong to other people (from the past or present), and that were put upon us. We can take that weight off once it is observed for what it really is.
After we make progress personally — re-shaping, discarding, and transforming some of our thoughts and habits — the ongoing approach remains the same. We begin by observing and evaluating our thoughts and actions each day. We maintain a list of questions for ongoing self-evaluation check-ins. Are we:
Contributing to positive long-term goals with our daily thoughts, habits, and actions?
Noticing and consciously choosing which thoughts are maintained?
Happy with our personal process and the results?
Noticing and addressing details, feelings, needs, inspiration? or ignoring them?
Noticing harmful elements, ingredients, or dynamics? or ignoring them?
Making the most of the choices available each day?
Allowing ourselves to remain in a rut of looped thoughts?
Allowing ourselves new options, new thoughts, new approaches?
With ongoing discernment regarding our thoughts, habits, and daily actions — we are instilling healthy, conscious pathways that can better empower ourselves and others. Another example for this process is my book, Recipe For A Green Life. It is a complete guidebook for this kind of holistic process, focusing on lifestyle and sustainability.
All of this requires a dedication to some amount of life-long learning. Finding pleasant ways to maintain interest and curiosity regarding the “who, what, when, where, how, and why” of anything we are choosing and putting our energy into is most helpful. Personal choices (at home, at work, and beyond) — from the smallest, and most overlooked, to the biggest — all matter, to some degree, and at some level. Start small, start big — start however this all works best for you, and continue in whatever ways and at the pace that allows you to keep going in the right direction. Consistently showing up in this way helps us to more easily stay current and healthy, and more primed to facilitate the process for others too.
It can be, and is important that we share our process and discoveries (when we can, and as appropriate) with straightforward honesty, integrity, and reasonable kindness. Sometimes the truth is ugly though. Do we wrap it in kindness? Whenever possible, yes. Still, absolute gentleness at all times is not possible or realistic. There are exceptional times when even kind honesty can feel harsh. And there are times when being too kind and too forgiving is a disservice to ourselves and others.
The standard mode of operation for the ethical leader is: to establish trust with honesty, that is upheld by integrity and kindness. Even better, if that honesty, integrity and kindness is accompanied by impartial ethics and wisdom, which remain unswayed by status or privilege. Being a truth-teller can make us very lonely at times, especially when others are playing games, and don’t want to play fair or to be healthy. However, as a leader, being a truth-teller is the highest calling. And ultimately, that is rewarded with connections and teams of integrity and advanced skills. That is what takes us to the next level. And, that is why the ethical leader must be a truth-teller — and with values for kindness, integrity, and impartial wisdom at the helm. This comes from having lived it — by having the ongoing practice of self-evaluation that creates the integrity in the first place.
By dedicating ourselves to this considerable, yet worthwhile and rewarding effort, we make progress in real time, and that grants us a warranted hope in momentum and strength, which is gained by right action.
May we all go forward more mindfully, shifting to more healthy, productive habits and leadership on all levels. May these new and healthier collective thoughts, habits, and right actions increase exponentially, and dynamically contribute to a great healing and new positive pathways for the future and all life on Earth.
This will conclude the photographic highlights from our Bay area vacation this past July. It has been so much fun sharing and revisiting these moments in time.
The following photos are from some of my favorites places (already shared in parts 1-3, but from different angles), and some places and things that haven’t been shared yet.
As always, if you see any photos (or art images) on this site that you would like to blow up as art for your walls, please contact me to order a custom, high resolution, archival quality print. Likewise, if you would like to purchase a digital copy for your personal or business use.
Along Highway One, State Beaches:
That’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed this photo journey with me. Thank you so much for stopping by!